


The Ferbert Saga

by 8bitcyborg



Category: Fire Emblem: Fuukasetsugetsu | Fire Emblem: Three Houses
Genre: Alternate Universe, Crack Treated Seriously, Fluff, Humor, Implied Sexual Content, M/M, Multi, Original Character(s), Other Additional Tags to Be Added
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-10-03
Updated: 2019-10-03
Packaged: 2020-11-23 00:17:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 696
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20883047
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/8bitcyborg/pseuds/8bitcyborg
Summary: «Judging from that particular question alone (but also a series of other incidents), there was no doubt about it; Ferdinand wanted to be a father. Hubert really isn't thrilled on the idea, but anything to see Ferdinand happy, eh? Don't ever tell him Hubert said that though. Thus plans are being set in motion with the help of an old friend who is as well-versed in dark magic as Hubert himself.»





	The Ferbert Saga

**Author's Note:**

> Hello and welcome to my ferdibert crackfic au! This is an idea that spiralled out on control and just wouldn't leave my head, and here we are, doing it as a fictober 2019 challenge! There will be several chapters, consisting mainly of snippets of their daily life and in general just light-hearted fun stuff.

“Have you ever considered having children?”

Needless to say, the question takes Hubert off guard. Ferdinand is nestled beside him, head on his chest, Hubert’s fingers lazily playing with long, auburn locks. They’re sated and tranquil for once, but leave it to Ferdinand to ask such an uncouth question post coitus.

“Pray tell whatever brought this on?” Hubert replies, not bothering to hide the disdain in his voice.

“Oh, no reason, just checking really.” Ferdinand practically sings in his ever bright and cheery voice.

“You’ve been babysitting the Fraldarius-Gautier twins again haven’t you? No wonder I didn’t see you the entirety of yesterday.”

“Oh shush, the Duke Fraldarius and Margrave Gautier had an exceptionally important meeting with our Lady Emperor, of course we couldn’t leave the children unattended!”

“And there were no maids available that could watch over these children? _You_ were the only option?”

“I did the only noble thing to do, I volunteered!” Dear me, Hubert, wouldn’t you have done the same?”

“No.”

“Yeah, no, on second thoughts, no one should leave their children in your care, you might be tempted to teach them _dark magic_, or worse; _how to blackmail your foes and allies alike_.”

Honestly, it’s what Hubert has always secretly loved about Ferdinand; how he bites back (both metaphorically and sometimes literally), and how he never actually let Hubert intimidate him. Goddess knows Hubert has _tried_. But right now Ferdinand is just being obnoxious, well, two can play at that game.

“Well, of course I would. Both dark magic and blackmailing are very useful crafts. Pity the children who’ll never learn to utilize such exquisite skills.”

Ferdinand huffs in annoyance as he props himself up on his elbow, lips forming into what Hubert classifies as a cute pout.

“You are impossible.” he quips. Hubert cups his chin, offering him a cocky smile.

“We’re both men.” he offers, pretty sure Ferdinand isn’t done with the leading question yet.

“So are Felix and Sylvain. There are _methods_.”

“You or me then?”

“Pardon?”

“Who’s going to take one for the team and impregnate a volunteering woman?”

“Honestly!” Ferdinand splutters, red blossoming across his cheeks.

“And we might not get away with a one time deal either. There are a lot of factors going into the concept of conception—we might need to take turns. Several each. Are you up for that?”

“Hubert! Do you have to be so _crude_!?”

Ferdinand has resorted to hiding his face against Hubert’s chest, the heat radiating from him close to the temperature of a Fireball spell. Hubert laughs as he strokes his back.

“Dorothea might be up for it, but she’s currently in the lead role at the Opera. A pregnancy might not be well received. Maybe Petra would take the trip from Brigid? Mercedes? _Manuela_?”

Ferdinand has been reduced to weak protests and wheezing sounds. He’s as hot as a Bolganone now and Hubert almost feels a little bad. _Almost_.

"I'm sorry." he laughs after a pause. "I tend to forget you're rather uptight about the subject of sexual intercourse."

"I am not!" Ferdinand protests wildly, only fuelling Hubert's laughter further.

"Oh but I believe you are!" he teases mercilessly, failing to notice how Ferdinand shifts besides him. There's a slight dip in the bed before the man pounces on him and pins Hubert to the mattress. It's a rare display of power that highlights the vast difference in their physical strength. Hubert's laughter stills as Ferdinand commands his absolute attention, eyes glowing like they do before a battle. The grip on his wrists are unmerciful, Hubert knows he can't get free using strength alone and he swallows as Ferdinand leans down and puts his lips to his ear, hot breath ghosting over his skin like a delicious promise.

"I'll show you uptight, you goddamn bastard."

_Oh fuck_.

—

It’s well into the small morning hours when a dark figure slithers away into the castle library, a candlestick illuminating the covers of a series of books that reads _‘The Myths & Dark Magics of Fertility and Crossbreeding, A Guide To Dos Don’ts’_.

* * *

  
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